How the Dog got into the Chinese Zodiac.

The story happened a long time ago. The Jade Emperor of Heaven had already named ten animals for the Chinese Zodiac and was on the verge of deciding on the eleventh animal. Every creature wanted to have its place in the Zodiac and they descended on the Jade Emperor to argue their case."The lion is called the King of Beasts," argued one of the lions. "It is only right that the next year be called the Year of the Lion!""No! No! No!" exclaimed the elephants,"We are the strongest animals in the land. It should be called the Year of the Elephant!""How about the Year of the Camel?" asked the camel."Everybody knows that the pig is the cleanest animal," proclaimed the pig, "and cleanliness is next to godliness! It should be the Year of the Pig!"The other animals were totally dumbfucked by that claim, but then they too came out with equally ridiculous claims of their own.The Jade Emperor had had enough. He was getting irritated and wished that the animals would leave him alone. In desperation, he walked into the Hall of Peace and Harmony, hoping for some peace of mind. But the animals trekked into the Hall and continued shouting and haranguing him. Finally, the Jade Emperor could not take it any more. "If only they would kill each other, then maybe I will get some peace and quiet around here." A brilliant idea struck him."Listen," he announced to them, "the choice will be made based on the survival of the fittest. The last animal left alive in this hall will get the year named after him!”The hall became silent, as the animals digested the meaning."Those of you who do not wish to stay and fight can leave this hall," continued the Jade Emperor. "But once you leave, the door will swing shut and you will not be able to get back inside again!" With that he left the hall, grinning cleverly to himself.Inside the great hall, the animals started snarling and growling at each other. They would fight to the death to have their name in the Celestial Zodiac. Guts and blood would be spilt today. Some of the weaker animals sensed that they would not be a match for the bigger ones, and they prepared to leave. The lions roared horrifyingly, sending shivers down the spines of many an animal inside the hall. From outside, the Jade Emperor watched as the door of the hall opened and some animals trickled out. The door closed. Then it opened again and more animals ran out. Soon it became a stampede. Even the rhinoceros ran out.....followed by the elephants."I guess the lions are too terrifying for the rest to take on," muttered the Jade Emperor.But then the doors opened again and the lions ran out.In amazement, the Jade emperor watched as the animals gathered outside the hall and gestured heatedly. Some animals tried to get back into the hall, but the door would not open. It could only be opened from inside. The elephants then tried to break down the door, but it would not budge. Some animals wailed while others snarled at each other. Some started bashing the pig.Full of curiosity, the Jade Emperor magically transported himself into the hall. There were no animals inside, except for two dogs lying unconscious on the floor, a male and a female, both stuck together in sexual union. Quickly, the Jade Emperor revived the dogs and demanded an explanation on what had happened.“It was like this," explained the male dog. "I was getting ready to do battle, but then this bitch here got into heat suddenly. My basic instinct was to hump her first before all other matters, so I mounted and plugged her while all the other animals around us were fighting. Suddenly, one fella gave out a smelly fart. The fart was so astoundingly stinking that all the indoor plants died! Nobody could breathe and then everybody stampeded to get out of the room!""Why didn’t you two leave as well?" asked the Jade Emperor."Are you kidding?" asked the dog. "It takes about half an hour for a dog to withdraw his dick from the bitch. I tried to run, but the bitch was still stuck to me. We pulled and we pulled but we just could not come apart. Then we decided to walk sideways together towards the door, but we must have fainted before we reached it.""Hmmmm,” muttered the Jade Emperor, thinking deeply. "Technically speaking, you dogs are the only species left alive in the hall. Therefore, you have won the right to have the year named after you. The Year of the Dog it is!""All right!" yelled the joyous dogs.Thus the dog became the eleventh animal of the Chinese Zodiac.
(Moral of the story: When all the idiots around you are fighting, ignore them all and go get some hot sex.)
The Jade Emperor turned to walk away. He paused, and then he turned his head back to ask one more question, "Do you know why the other animals are bashing up the pig outside?""Oh,” answered the dogs, "it was the pig that farted.""And he cleared the entire hall with just that? Astonishing!" exclaimed the Jade Emperor. "Guess who is gonna be the twelfth animal of the Zodiac!"
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